Yesterday Michael at Eleven Warriors wrote a phenomenal post about why he hates That Team Up North. Our hatred doesn’t go back that far, mainly because we don’t remember FDR as President (YOU’RE OLD, MICHAEL! YOU’RE OLD!) As time continues to flow inexorably towards Armageddon or The Rock or whatever Michael Bay film is closest to the end of time, we realize that we have a pretty solid hatred of TTUN built up ourselves. For damn good reason.
That Time Shawn Springs Slipped
In 1996 the Buckeyes were undefeated. We were freshmen at The Ohio State University (est. 1870 in accordance with the Morrill Land Grant Act of 1862) 18 years old, and nursing our first hangover. This after having drank too much for the first – and sadly not last – time and providing our roommate in Alma Wacker Paterson Hall with ammunition to use while mocking us for years afterwards (17 so far to this point.) We sat in the dorm room next door to ours, avoiding sitting in front of the window because the sun made us want to throw up some more, somehow. We watched our undefeated Buckeyes lose a close game to a clearly inferior team. And it was all because Shawn Springs slipped on a slant route by Tai Streets and allowed him a long score from BRIAN GRIESE*. Sure, it might have been more complicated than that, but that’s what we remember. If Joe Germaine and David Boston and company hadn’t pulled off the Rose Bowl against Arizona State a month later we might have been permanently damaged.
* – The same Brian Griese who spent the entirety of Ohio State’s 60-35 win over Illinois a few weeks ago being paid by ESPN to bash the Buckeyes and all but beg voters to jump Baylor, Stanford, Notre Dame, and Eastern Illinois ahead of them. For “struggling” in a game they scored 60 points and won by 25. Suck it, Brian Griese.
That Time Charles Woodson and David Boston Got Into It
The next year TTUN was undefeated and we had only lost one game. We spent a lot of the game playing Hogan’s Alley on a friend’s NES and drinking Bud Ice* while it was going on. Mainly because – to us at 19 anyway – the Buckeyes really didn’t seem competitive in the game at all. Which, looking back, what the hell, Cooper? Our memories of the game are limited to David Boston taunting on a long touchdown even though the Buckeyes were still losing and our car getting stolen the same day. Also breaking up with our girlfriend and watching Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Talk about a crappy day.
* – The next time we write about how dumb college students are remember this and remember that we know that about which we speak.
When Tom Brady and Then Drew Henson Beat Us
That really happened. Brady, okay, that makes sense. But Drew Henson, I mean, he was better at baseball than football and he wasn’t all that good at baseball. Fortunately for us we missed the 2000 game.
The Time We Lost The Year After We Won The National Championship
Admittedly, this one didn’t sting as much. Probably because of what had happened eleven months prior. Still, our starting RB was Lydell Ross and the Buckeyes gained all of 54 yards on the ground.
The Time They Made Our Whole Conference Look Bad
Yes, some alleged games in January of 2007 and January of 2008 that we don’t remember and are pretty sure were made up by Mark May and Herbie had something to do with it too. But we never lost to a 1-AA school. We especially didn’t when we were ranked in the top ten*. And we sure as hell didn’t lose to Toledo the next year.
* – Can you believe that TTUN team went 9-4 and beat Florida in the Citrus Bowl that year? That Florida, quarterbacked by Heisman Trophy winner and Korean Baptist Church heartthrob Tim Tebow and coached by …umm let’s not talk about that now.
The Time They Made Us Almost Feel Sorry For Them
After the 2009 Game, we felt a disconcerting notion. TTUN was so incompetent, so horrible, that we didn’t fear The Game like we used to. It took a lot of incompetence (see previous entry) but they managed it. That may have been the most unpleasant feeling of all after all the heartbreak, sorrow, and disappointment. We understand a little bit why The Joker wouldn’t let Harley Quinn kill Batman or why any villain in a movie will inexplicably save the good guy. Because they say afterwards “I’m the only one who gets to [beat you].” (In the movies and stories they say kill but let’s not get too crazy here.) It’s painful in its own way to see someone so helpless when you’ve spent years and years imagining them as the spooky monster who lives in your closet and eats babies. This is probably why Frodo couldn’t do away with Gollum. He was just so damn pathetic. And see where that got him?
The Time They Beat Luke Fickell
This was the strangest of all because a couple days after this loss – a winnable game that would have been an awesome upset – Ohio State introduced Urban Meyer as head coach. Also this gave Jabba the Hoke an image of competence as head football coach of TTUN that he might not completely have deserved* but we will continue to nurture if it keeps him at TTUN longer. It’s hard to be angry about that game because the Buckeyes were SO bad that year and the Wolverines were allegedly good.
* – Yes, they won the Sugar Bowl but it was over a weak Virginia Tech team. And yes, we lost in the Gator Bowl that year – thanks Gene! Outside of bowl season the only ranked team they beat was Nebraska. At home. Seriously, look at this schedule. It makes ours this year look like LSU’s in 2007.
The Time Brady Hoke Ate A Baby
We’re not 100% sure this happened. But it wouldn’t surprise us in the least if it did.
So there it is. If that’s not reason enough to hate That Team Up North, we don’t know what is.